This
is the first post in a series about dealing with anger, blame and resentment.
The first post will look at how these are maintained via our expectations. The
following posts will look at what you can do to reduce these experiences using
some new skills.
Firstly, let’s start with a few definitions. Anger is a naturally occurring feeling and is usually triggered
when we think we have been injured, mistreated or when we are faced with obstacles that keep us
from attaining personal goals. It can be used in healthy ways and unhealthy ways.
This is obviously easier said than done. The following posts will look at skills to resolve anger, blame and resentment.
Building Motivation to Shift
Letting go of these is fundamentally about a key choice:
You either get to be right or you get to be happy, but not both.
For example: if we use the above experience of a parent being angry with a daughter then for as long as the parent demands they are right, the daughter will continue to feel misunderstood, unheard and unsupported. Misery is likely to continue. However, if the parent is willing to let go of the need to be right then the whole situation relaxes. Most fights can be resolved when something shifts to cause both parties to relax and be calm. Curiosity is possible. Compromise is possible. Happiness is more likely.
Building motivation to let go of anger can be useful. Look at the following consequences of anger to build reasons to change if you are struggling to let go of being right.
Negative Consequences
1. Anger & Unrealistic Expectations
The previous posts about 'Thought Challenging' examined how the way we feel is a result of our thoughts about a situation and certain ‘thinking traps’ often maintain unhelpful feelings. It might not be clear at first, but there is usually an unrealistic expectation and a ‘should’ thought that underlie any feeling of anger. That is, you are probably feeling that someone or something ‘should’ be a certain way, and that expectation has not been met. Like all unhelpful thoughts, ‘should’ thoughts are often unrealistic. Let’s look at some examples.
The previous posts about 'Thought Challenging' examined how the way we feel is a result of our thoughts about a situation and certain ‘thinking traps’ often maintain unhelpful feelings. It might not be clear at first, but there is usually an unrealistic expectation and a ‘should’ thought that underlie any feeling of anger. That is, you are probably feeling that someone or something ‘should’ be a certain way, and that expectation has not been met. Like all unhelpful thoughts, ‘should’ thoughts are often unrealistic. Let’s look at some examples.
You can learn to manage your anger by challenging the ‘should’ thought and making your
expectations more realistic. For example:
Unrealistic expectation: My daughter SHOULD listen to me and do what I say.
Realistic expectation: Should is irrelevant. Realistically, she is acting the same way as thousands of other teenagers, which is why she thinks it is normal to behave the way she does. My unrealistic expectation will only make her feel misunderstood. Realistically, it will help if I expect that she acts like a teenager. Then I can feel less angry and talk to her calmly to understand where she is at and why she is doing this. Once she feels calm and understood we are more likely to be able to figure out what to do.
Unrealistic expectation: My daughter SHOULD listen to me and do what I say.
Realistic expectation: Should is irrelevant. Realistically, she is acting the same way as thousands of other teenagers, which is why she thinks it is normal to behave the way she does. My unrealistic expectation will only make her feel misunderstood. Realistically, it will help if I expect that she acts like a teenager. Then I can feel less angry and talk to her calmly to understand where she is at and why she is doing this. Once she feels calm and understood we are more likely to be able to figure out what to do.
This is obviously easier said than done. The following posts will look at skills to resolve anger, blame and resentment.
Building Motivation to Shift
Letting go of these is fundamentally about a key choice:
You either get to be right or you get to be happy, but not both.
For example: if we use the above experience of a parent being angry with a daughter then for as long as the parent demands they are right, the daughter will continue to feel misunderstood, unheard and unsupported. Misery is likely to continue. However, if the parent is willing to let go of the need to be right then the whole situation relaxes. Most fights can be resolved when something shifts to cause both parties to relax and be calm. Curiosity is possible. Compromise is possible. Happiness is more likely.
Building motivation to let go of anger can be useful. Look at the following consequences of anger to build reasons to change if you are struggling to let go of being right.
Positive Consequences
Even with seemingly unhelpful behaviours, there is usually a payoff or a positive consequence from acting in that way – otherwise we would do it far less often! However, these payoffs are not always realistic and there may be more effective ways for achieving the end result. Here are some common positive beliefs that people who experience anger and rage have:
Even with seemingly unhelpful behaviours, there is usually a payoff or a positive consequence from acting in that way – otherwise we would do it far less often! However, these payoffs are not always realistic and there may be more effective ways for achieving the end result. Here are some common positive beliefs that people who experience anger and rage have:
- Rage allows me to tell other people what is annoying me
- Rage protects me from getting hurt
- At least anger allows me to feel something rather than nothing
- If I was to let go of the anger then I would have to deal with worse emotions (shame, guilt, sadness etc)
- When I rage, people will usually do what I want them to
- If I rage it show others that I care
- It makes me feel in control
Although there are some positive consequences, there are many negative consequences that are
caused by anger. A helpful initial step in learning to reduce rage is to honestly examine the negative consequences:
caused by anger. A helpful initial step in learning to reduce rage is to honestly examine the negative consequences:
- People don’t really hear me when I rage – they hear the anger and not the issue o People are afraid of me when I rage
- People see me as mean because I rage
- People don’t trust me as much after I rage
- I hurt people when I rage
- I feel out of control after I come down from rage and I beat myself up for getting angry
- I can’t perform as well when I rage. I don’t think clearly
- There can be very serious, irreversible consequences from raging
- When I rage, people may do what I want but later they are passive aggressive to get me back o When I rage, some people just rage back at me
- My kids are learning violence from watching me
- Some of the people I have offended have backstabbed me or sabotaged me
- As long as I stay angry, I will never deal with the underlying issues and get better
- Getting angry stops me from needing to learn better coping skills
- There are health consequences from getting angry
- I just feel terrible when I rage
- Anger tends to get worse and worse
What would you gain by stopping yourself next time you get angry?
Please check in again in a month or so for the next post, which will look at how to reduce anger.
Please check in again in a month or so for the next post, which will look at how to reduce anger.
